Were Suicide Squad and X-Men: Apocalypse the same movie?

I think so.  You know from my previous review that I thought Suicide Squad was ridiculous, but I haven’t really written about X-Men:  Apocalypse.  I was disappointed with both and I’ve been searching myself to figure out why.  I finally figured it out:  they are the same damn movie.  Hear me out:

In both movies, there is an ancient, body-jumping consciousness that has overwhelming, magical powers that had been locked up by the normal humans.  Some overly curious scientist/investigator let them loose and they decided to wreck havoc on civilization.  They each assemble their respective teams and go to war with each other.  The war is messy; bombs are launched, people die, and there’s travel by helicopter.  Inexplicably, both Big Bads plan to build some sort of destructive machine/monument to assume total control of the world, but we never quite find out how they will work.  But, in the end, everything just falls flat.

Not the sort of thing that inspires movie ticket sales, eh?

Magneto and Mystic are the bad guys with questionable allegiances on the X-men team and Storm, Psylocke, and Angel are on En Sabah Nur’s team.  But, they are all just kinda bad and most for understandable reasons of survival.  You know that they are going to turn on their leader in favor of saving humanity.  Amanda Waller assembles a team of rogues, called the Suicide Squad, that are chosen for their ruthlessness ad willingness to be and do evil things to combat evil.  But, they never really seem that bad.  Enchantress, the Big Bad in Suicide Squad, calls up her brother as her main henchman.  She also turns men into faceless goons who have caviar for heads by kissing them.

SS’s Deadshot and X-men’s Quicksilver both get their time-slowing save the day moments.  More helicopters and explosions.  There are a few minutes of backstory to make the audience feel some emotion for them.  Joker and Wolverine are shoehorned in for fan service, can’t have movies without them.

Thankfully, nobody dances like Enchantress.

Thinking about that made me lose my train of thought, so I’ll stop here.  But, seriously, did anyone else notice this?

Suicide Squad Recap (Spoilers, read at your caution)

suicide-squad-cast-photo

 

I confess that I’m a big Will Smith fan.  Even after all of the misunderstood comments, side-eye at his kids’ creative commentary on reality, and the questionable choice to star in Focus.  I still love Will; can’t help myself.  So, of course, I went to see Suicide Squad on the opening weekend.  Didn’t hurt that I received free tickets (hype!).

So, let’s get into it.  The early reviews for the movie were bad.  Well, bad is actually kind of an understatement.  At the time of writing, Rotten Tomatoes has the movie at 28% Rotten.  Not sure I’ve ever seen a rating so low for a big movie. The reviews were so bad that my mind went into C-O-N-spiracy theory (word to Damon Wayans).  Was the Man trying to hold DC Movies down?  After the bad reviews for Batman vs. Superman, is Disney/Marvel trying to stomp down any challengers to its superhero movie dominance?  It couldn’t possibly be that bad, could it?

Yeah, it was pretty bad.

As much as it pains me to write this, the movie was bad.  I tried.  I tried to keep an open mind.  I tried to see it as what I think it was supposed to be: a setup for future movies.  But, as the movie continued, the more I found myself thinking this sh*t can’t be happening.

The plot of the movie, in a nutshell, is a bunch of society’s misfits with either given or honed special powers assemble to fight a supernatural power that all of our mortal weapons are woefully inadequate to destroy.  There are guns, lots of fights, CGI, a love story, all the good stuff you’ve come to expect out of a superhero flick.

On deck are:

Will Smith as Will Smith with a Gun/Deadshot

Jared Leto as Tony Montana/Joker

Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn.  No jokes here, she did a great job.

Joel Kinnaman as Rick Flagg/Angsty Eyebrows

Viola Davis as Annalise Keating with a Gun/ Amanda Waller

Jay Hernandez as Diablo

Jai Courtney as Digger Harkness/Boomerang

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Killer Croc. Sigh.

Cara Delevigne as Dr. Moone/Enchantress

Adam Beach as Slipknot

Karen Fukhara as Katana

Common as Monster T

Ben Affleck as Bruce Wayne

Got it?  Good. There will be a quiz later.

That’s a lot of characters to set up in one movie, right?  I agree.  That’s the main problem with the movie; it’s all over the place for no good reason.  Each character gets between 3-5 minutes of backstory, save Slipknot who gets 10 seconds.  In fact, maybe less, he is summed up in “He can climb anything.”  Then, he dies.  Bye Slipknot.  Native Americans may be salty as sh*t at this.  Frequently a black person is the first to die in a movie, but even we get more screen time than that.

Deadshot has a kid who doesn’t want him to be a mercenary anymore.  Diablo has the most juice of any of them, but he’s sworn off killing in an attempt to quell his demons.  Dr. Moon gets possessed by Enchantress.  Amanda Waller is a sociopath in a pantsuit.  Katana is emo-crazy with a sharp sword.  Killer Croc is… well, we’ll come back to that.  Harley Quinn gets the most backstory to setup the quixotic obsession that she and Joker have with each other.  Speaking of which, why is the Joker even in this movie???  Jared Leto, reportedly, stayed in character the entire shoot by playing pranks and doing some downright disgusting things to his co-stars (i.e. sending them used condoms).  Was he hoping to win an Oscar with this role?  He either needed to be in the movie or not at all.  After some thought, I think not at all.  He should have his own movie focused on Joker and Harley Quinn, because the snippets of their relationship development made no sense in the movie.  What kind of magic stick/mind f*ckery did he do to turn Harley Quinn out like that?  Please get him on Oprah because inquiring minds want to know.

The problems with the movie mainly come down to pacing and tone.  It’s serious one moment and lighthearted the next.  One minute, the team is a bunch of strangers; 15 minutes and some drinks later, they are talking about how they are family and friends.  These are bad guys, the baddest.  Does game recognize game?  If so, how do you build trust like that with folks you don’t know?  Do you have to test their loyalty first?  The was a sharp sigh in my theatre when Diablo started talking about messing with his “family”.

Speaking of Diablo, he was the only character whose story offered any emotional range.  He was the only one I came to care about during the entire movie.  His gift caused him to harm the people he loved the most.  Well, him, and Deadshot’s daughter.  Batman pops up to try to wrangle Deadshot and her little tail stepped in front of Deadshot’s gun.  I know that they were trying to Pursuit of Happyness Will Smith’s character, but bye.  First off, it’s Deadshot; he still could’ve hit Batman without her moving because HE’S DEADSHOT!  Second, I know Daddy had a talk with his little girl about not interfering in grown folks bizness!  But, whatever.  If I had pulled that, my dad would have turned into a 10 foot tall monster like Enchantress’ brother.  Trust.

Deadshot did have the funniest moment in the movie when he was making demands, one of which was to ensure his daughter went to an Ivy League school and, if she couldn’t cut it, to “White people that thing.  Y’all know how y’all do”.  In-joke about meritocracy.  There was some polite tittering at that line in my theatre with a few full belly laughs.  The kind of laugh that says, “Pause the movie, you heard that sh*t, right.”  I don’t know who they came from; it was dark.

That could have been the end of the movie and I would have felt satisfied.  But, there was more.

Cara Delevigne’s Dr. Moon/Enchantress was the main antagonist in the movie.  Dr. Moon was possessed by Enchantress after having found an idol containing her spirit in a cave.  Dr. Moon was sweet and yielding and fell in love with Rick Flag, but her other side was the complete opposite.  Enchantress got free and all hell broke loose, literally and figuratively.  Now, here’s where it got hinkey for me.  Why were the plots of X-Men:  Apocalypse and Suicide Squad so similar?  Apocalypse, like Enchantress, was this ancient Big Bad that was extremely overpowered and used to being worshipped as a God.  Both were trying to construct something that caused massive destruction around the world.  Was it half-off script day at Starbucks?  The similarities made me wonder whether this was the reason for the obvious editing mess that was Suicide Squad’s end result.  I’m sure we’ll never know, but it is irritating because Suicide Squad had sooooo much material from which to draw.

Anyways, the movie goes downhill into complete drivel and silliness that isn’t worth recounting.  The one upshot was Enchantress doing the drunk/crackhead shimmy while trying to conjure her magic.  Cara should be angry about the role she was given.  Why did a witch found somewhere in South America have a British accent?  This has got to be the downside of being beautiful.  Nobody takes you seriously.  Everything you do is just great (including looking like the little girl from The Ring).  But, then again, you get a role in a major movie, so I guess it’s a wash.

This might be the most diverse marquee of any big budget movie.  That makes the clusterf*ck that this film turned into all the more sad.  Let’s imagine what could have been: one focused backstory with other supporting players (probably should have been Amanda Waller’s story), no Joker, and a better villain.  Hey, they could even bring Slipknot back in the retconned sequel!  And, maybe, they’ll do better with Killer Croc.  Yeah, I know I said I would come back to him.  How you gon’ do Adebesi from Oz dirty like that, David Ayer?  He’s an excellent actor.  It probably would’ve been better if they just didn’t have him speak.  His one intelligible utterance was about getting BET in his cell in order to watch what appears to be the long defunct BET Uncut.  My eyes rolled so hard that they nearly fell out of my head.  I guess David Ayer figured that there were so many black characters in the movie that it was fine to make Killer Croc one massive and continuous stereotype.  I can’t call it.

**1/2 Stars.  I have the feeling a better movie exists in the deleted scenes.  The movie is still going to make a ton of money, but DC can still hold this L.

So, what say you?

* Yes, I totally forgot that Monster T was the first to die, Jason.  Fight me.

Rise In Power, Captain K’Vagh (RIP, James Avery)

Boy, the hits just keep coming, don’t they?  We’ve lots a lot of good ones over the last year, but this loss feels more personal.  I haven’t posted in a while, but this passing deserved a post.  James Avery was one of the GOATs in the acting game, of all races.  Most of us knew and loved him as Uncle Phil on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but us Trekkies knew he was also Captain K’Vagh on Star Trek Enterprise.  Even fewer people know that he auditioned against Michael Dorn for the role of Worf in TNG (Stop for a sec: Can you imagine?)

Captain K'Vagh

Photo credit: Paramount Pictures via Memory Alpha

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’ve lost one of the greats, everyone.  Nearly everyone’s favorite TV dad and an actor that gave 100% to every role he took.    He passed on today after suffering complications from heart surgery earlier this month; he was 68.

Beware, a Klingon Warrior is about to arrive!

Photo credit:  Paramount Pictures via Memory Alpha

Photo credit: Paramount Pictures via Memory Alpha

Star Trek and Wu Tang…and Drake

Truth, y’all are going to have to follow me on this one.  Star Trek and Wu Tang go back like Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck.  I would bet you $20 that any black trekkie you meet is also a Wu Tang fan.  And, if you asked them to explain why, they couldn’t.  Why?  Because Wu Tang is for the children (RIP ODB)!  There’s an other-ness, slightly esoteric, to enjoying both and, as such, you earn a certain geek cred when you bring them up.  Truth, I’ve been waiting to find the guy who likes both on his own and, when I do, we’ll probably hit Vegas.  I hear they do Klingon weddings at a little chapel out there.

Anyways, this brings me to Drake.  It started with Macklemore mentioning Wu in a song, all good, white boy can rap.  But, then, Drake comes out with “Wu Tang Forever” and my brow instantly furrowed.  I like Drake, but he’s not exactly known for spitting hot fire, right?  Exactly.  It’s a song out of my nightmares.  How did he even get the “It’s Yours” sample cleared?  Rza, WTF???  The song is about creeping with a girl who already has a man and Drake is SINGING!  Don’t use the Wu to prove you’re cool.  I fully expect there will be some Star Trek name drops soon enough.

I guess there’s no such thing as bad publicity, right?  Am I wrong?

The Biggest Deal Nobody’s Talking About

Aye maaaan!

Hold up, so Voyager 1 has left the damn solar system and it’s not on the front page anywhere?  Y’all do realize what an achievement this is, right?  Voyager has now traveled farther than any man-made object to date.

Just so we are clear, this is a photo of Earth from Voyager 1 in 1990.  See that little blue dot in the brown band?  Yep, that’s us and everyone who has ever lived on Earth.  It’s been 23 years since that was taken.

Photo credit: NASA via Wikipedia.

There’s been controversy about whether Voyager 1 actually left for a year or so now, but it appears researchers are certain that Voyager 1 is now traipsing through the Milky Way.  It has actually gone where no man has gone before!

Remember V’ger, anyone else a little nervous?  Could you imagine Voyager 1 being intercepted and upfitted by a race of aliens and returning to us?  I’ll be long dead by the time that happens, but it is kinda cool to consider.  On the other end of the spectrum, a probe entering a black hole and becoming self-aware was a very similar story to the movie Event Horizon– the scariest movie ever made.  Let’s hope that sh*t doesn’t happen.

The V’ger entity and resultant merger with Ilia and Lt. Decker is supposed to be the beginning of the Borg, so, yeah, let’s hope all of that doesn’t happen.  In fact, let’s hope that the galaxy is filled with gentle, kind My Little Ponies or something.

In fact, maybe there is good reason for this not to be front page news after all…

Happy Friday everyone!

Pop culture classic: ‘Galaxy Quest’

keithroysdon

galaxy-quest-movie-poster-

I’ve heard the argument made, online, that “Galaxy Quest” is the best big-screen “Star Trek” movie. “Star Trek” reboot director J.J. Abrams apparently said as much. While I think the claim is made somewhat facetiously, there’s a lot to be said for the light-hearted 1999 sci-fi comedy.

Beyond the trappings of the movie, which looks at a group of has-been actors living off the fame of their cult TV show 20 years later, there are a lot of subtle and not-so-subtle nods to “Star Trek” the show, its cast and fandom.

The movie, directed by Dean Parisot, shows us the cast of the former “Galaxy Quest” series in the only setting in which they can thrive: Fan conventions. While the show’s captain, played by Tim Allen, basks in the glory of his adoring fans, the rest of the crew – Sigourney Weaver as the ship’s eye candy, Alan Rickman as…

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