Were Suicide Squad and X-Men: Apocalypse the same damn movie?
I think so. You know from my previous review that I thought Suicide Squad was ridiculous, but I haven’t really written about X-Men: Apocalypse. I was disappointed with both and I’ve been searching myself to figure out why. I finally figured it out: they are the same damn movie. Hear me out:
In both movies, there is an ancient, body-jumping consciousness that has overwhelming, magical powers that had been locked up by the normal humans. Some overly curious scientist/investigator let them loose and they decided to wreck havoc on civilization. They each assemble their respective teams and go to war with each other. The war is messy; bombs are launched, people die, and there’s travel by helicopter. Inexplicably, both Big Bads plan to build some sort of destructive machine/monument to assume total control of the world, but we never quite find out how they will work. But, in the end, everything just falls flat.
Not the sort of thing that inspires movie ticket sales, eh?
Magneto and Mystic are the bad guys with questionable allegiances on the X-men team and Storm, Psylocke, and Angel are on En Sabah Nur’s team. But, they are all just kinda bad and most for understandable reasons of survival. You know that they are going to turn on their leader in favor of saving humanity. Amanda Waller assembles a team of rogues, called the Suicide Squad, that are chosen for their ruthlessness ad willingness to be and do evil things to combat evil. But, they never really seem that bad. Enchantress, the Big Bad in Suicide Squad, calls up her brother as her main henchman. She also turns men into faceless goons who have caviar for heads by kissing them.
SS’s Deadshot and X-men’s Quicksilver both get their time-slowing save the day moments. More helicopters and explosions. There are a few minutes of backstory to make the audience feel some emotion for them. Joker and Wolverine are shoehorned in for fan service, can’t have movies without them. And, both movies came to the same unsatisfying conclusion that left the viewer wonder what was the point of all this meshsugaas.
Thankfully, nobody dances like Enchantress.
Thinking about that made me lose my train of thought, so I’ll stop here. But, seriously, did anyone else notice this?
Rise In Power, Captain K’Vagh (RIP, James Avery)
Boy, the hits just keep coming, don’t they? We’ve lots a lot of good ones over the last year, but this loss feels more personal. I haven’t posted in a while, but this passing deserved a post. James Avery was one of the GOATs in the acting game, of all races. Most of us knew and loved him as Uncle Phil on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but us Trekkies knew he was also Captain K’Vagh on Star Trek Enterprise. Even fewer people know that he auditioned against Michael Dorn for the role of Worf in TNG (Stop for a sec: Can you imagine?)
We’ve lost one of the greats, everyone. Nearly everyone’s favorite TV dad and an actor that gave 100% to every role he took. He passed on today after suffering complications from heart surgery earlier this month; he was 68.
Beware, a Klingon Warrior is about to arrive!
Star Trek and Wu Tang…and Drake
Truth, y’all are going to have to follow me on this one. Star Trek and Wu Tang go back like Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. I would bet you $20 that any black trekkie you meet is also a Wu Tang fan. And, if you asked them to explain why, they couldn’t. Why? Because Wu Tang is for the children (RIP ODB)! There’s an other-ness, slightly esoteric, to enjoying both and, as such, you earn a certain geek cred when you bring them up. Truth, I’ve been waiting to find the guy who likes both on his own and, when I do, we’ll probably hit Vegas. I hear they do Klingon weddings at a little chapel out there.
Anyways, this brings me to Drake. It started with Macklemore mentioning Wu in a song, all good, white boy can rap. But, then, Drake comes out with “Wu Tang Forever” and my brow instantly furrowed. I like Drake, but he’s not exactly known for spitting hot fire, right? Exactly. It’s a song out of my nightmares. How did he even get the “It’s Yours” sample cleared? Rza, WTF??? The song is about creeping with a girl who already has a man and Drake is SINGING! Don’t use the Wu to prove you’re cool. I fully expect there will be some Star Trek name drops soon enough.
I guess there’s no such thing as bad publicity, right? Am I wrong?
The Biggest Deal Nobody’s Talking About
Hold up, so Voyager 1 has left the damn solar system and it’s not on the front page anywhere? Y’all do realize what an achievement this is, right? Voyager has now traveled farther than any man-made object to date.
Just so we are clear, this is a photo of Earth from Voyager 1 in 1990. See that little blue dot in the brown band? Yep, that’s us and everyone who has ever lived on Earth. It’s been 23 years since that was taken.
There’s been controversy about whether Voyager 1 actually left for a year or so now, but it appears researchers are certain that Voyager 1 is now traipsing through the Milky Way. It has actually gone where no man has gone before!
Remember V’ger, anyone else a little nervous? Could you imagine Voyager 1 being intercepted and upfitted by a race of aliens and returning to us? I’ll be long dead by the time that happens, but it is kinda cool to consider. On the other end of the spectrum, a probe entering a black hole and becoming self-aware was a very similar story to the movie Event Horizon– the scariest movie ever made. Let’s hope that sh*t doesn’t happen.
The V’ger entity and resultant merger with Ilia and Lt. Decker is supposed to be the beginning of the Borg, so, yeah, let’s hope all of that doesn’t happen. In fact, let’s hope that the galaxy is filled with gentle, kind My Little Ponies or something.
In fact, maybe there is good reason for this not to be front page news after all…
Happy Friday everyone!
In other Science-y News: The Sun’s Magnetic Field Is About to Flip
No, the sun is not about to go DMX on you and lose its mind (up in here, up in here). However, the sun’s magnetic field is about to flip, likely in the next few months. The polarity flip takes place about ever 11 years, so, don’t worry, we aren’t going to die a fiery death. There may be some more sunspot activity and potentially some telecommunications disruptions due to increased solar storms. But, have no doubt, this is a big deal that will affect our entire solar system!
Check out more about the flip here
And, while we’re at it, here’s the clearest picture of a sunspot ever taken. Pretty nifty, huh:
In other Science-y News: Soylent, Stem Cell Burgers, and Nootropics. Oh My!
You may have seen or heard coverage this week about Google-supported research to develop meat grown from stem cells. One of two people who was able to eat a burger cooked from the stem cell meat said that it was good, but lacked fat. Now, any talk of artificially-grown meat makes our collective alarm bells go off because we all remember Charlton Heston yelling “Soylent Green is People!” in the eponymous 1973 film. I am pretty confident that every third person who read or heard the story probably thought, “Hmm, how long before someone grows people burgers?” I don’t think that fear is warranted, but I was definitely the third person in that case. Slippery slope. Would you eat a stem cell burger? Tell the truth. Truth-I might because I recognize that the demand for meat has all sorts of undesirable environmental consequences. Probably no time soon, gotta wait and see if it turns anyone into the minion monster.
Which leads me to my next topic. Why on earth would someone create a potentially revolutionary food (not meal) replacement drink and name it “Soylent”?
Beats me, but it’s working. There is a growing movement of people who are trying to figure out how they can stay alive without eating actual food. I’ve been trying to keep up on its development. Apparently, Soylent is a blandly sweet concoction of everything the body needs to survive. It can be prepared in advance and taken with you. Right now the cost is still high and the ingredients can be hard to find, so it won’t be coming to a store near you soon. That said, it could totally revolutionize the weight loss industry. Liquid diets work, but they are typically missing nutrients and people end up losing hair, dying, etc. The question for me is whether people will end up with gall bladder problems long term because fat is needed to cause the organ to contract. That used to be a big problem with liquid diets in the ’80s. Right now, the creator isn’t trying to lose weight, so he eats at his caloric maintenance and tweaks the formula when he starts to feel weak. He also doesn’t advocate only drinking Soylent, he has a few regular meals with food when he feels like it. Definitely keep an eye out for it.
Nootropics, I still don’t fully understand this topic. Basically, people are trying to figure out how to lifehack their brains to squeeze out every ounce of cognitive computing power through nutritional or pharmaceutical supplementation. Essentially, they want to be like the lead character in the movie Limitless. Some of the ingredients have to be procured through grey markets, meaning overseas pharmacies and others are simply nutritional supplements like melatonin. Many of you have taken 5-hour Energy to give yourself extra pep and sharpness, we may see something similar on the market soon for mental clarity and memory. I haven’t tried any of them though the topic is definitely interesting.
I worry less about Soylent being people; I don’t want us to end up like Morlocks.
What about you; are you up to try these?
This is old, but it is so perfect that I had to share.
All Trekkies who watched the Borg Queen’s torment/seduction of Data in First Contact will appreciate this.
To jog your memory (from IMDB):
[a Borg scratches Data’s flesh arm]
Lieutenant Commander Data: Ah!
Borg Queen: Is it becoming clear to you yet? Look at yourself, standing there, cradling the new flesh I’ve given you. If it means nothing to you, why protect it?
Lieutenant Commander Data: I… I am simply imitating the behavior of humans.
Borg Queen: You’re becoming more human all the time, Data; now you’re learning how to lie.
Lieutenant Commander Data: My programming was not designed to process these sensations.
Borg Queen: Then tear the skin from your limb as you would a defective circuit.
Borg Queen: Go ahead, Data! We won’t stop you!
[Data forces himself to try to tear off the skin]
Borg Queen: Do it! Don’t be tempted by flesh!
[Data relents and leaves the skin alone]
Borg Queen: Are you familiar with physical forms of pleasure?
Lieutenant Commander Data: If you are referring to sexuality, I am… fully functional, programmed in… multiple techniques.
Borg Queen: How long since you’ve used them?
Lieutenant Commander Data: Eight years, seven months, sixteen days, four minutes, twenty-two…
Borg Queen: Far too long.
[they kiss passionately]
P.S. I still have no understanding of the Gotye video concept. Why was he painted like that?
Spoiler-free Review of The Wolverine
First, let me say that I love me some Hugh Jackman. I don’t know him personally, but everything about him just suggests that he is a stand-up guy who can act his behind off. He’s a quadruple threat. That said, not even he could save this slightly-worse-than-mediocre movie. I was really excited about seeing this movie because I was hoping that they could make a good Wolverine movie. Wolverine is probably the most explored character in all of X-men and, yet, they just can’t get the movies right. I think they are going to have to reboot James Bond-style and make the movies darker to achieve what moviegoers want from the character. Wolverine is impulsive, daring, self-sacrificing, brooding, and vulgar and Jackman hasn’t been given a script yet that allows him to show that.
The plot starts out good enough. He is, as always, on a search for himself and missing his love, Jean Grey, who is pretty effective in her tiny role. Famke Jennsen is so beautiful that she looks unreal anyway (hate her!). Yukio is well cast and has some great scenes and I thought they did a great job in selecting Mariko as a foil to Wolverine. That’s about it for the smaller parts. Let’s not even get into the waste of screen time that was the Viper’s character and the Silver Samurai. The f-ing Silver Samurai, how do you mess that up? There is passion in that hyphen.
Aside from some great action sequences, the second half of the movie is just a waste. I was honestly stunned at how bad the plot became. And, I really just want filmmakers to stop selecting female villains just to have some eye candy. It’s so unnecessary.
Rating: C with a sideye for the Viper character. Wait for Redbox.
P.S. Don’t go see it in 3D, no need for it. And, yes, there is a great extra scene about halfway through the ending credits.
P.P.S. I don’t think there was one black person in the entire movie. I mean the setting is Japan, but still, not one…in 2013? Get with it Hollywood.
A Dirge for the Star Trek: Las Vegas Experience
The first time I went to Las Vegas, there was one place I knew I had to go. That place where everyone’s at least a passing Trekkie. Well, alas, it is no more. The Las Vegas Hilton got rid of it years ago, but I still miss it. I guess that it wasn’t bringing in the big bucks like its Elvis impersonator. Yes, these grapes are sour.
If you’ve never been, I’ll paint the scene from memory: You walk in and get in line and see a few prop exhibits and a Trek timeline. But, the real fun starts when you get into the interactive Borg invasion. The Borg Queen tops my list of villians because of her detached ruthlessness. She was a bad mamajamma! The simulation was dated, but I didn’t care because it was the closest I’d ever get to being on a starship. Then, after you won, you could go into the Enterprise simulation and sit on,the Bridge and play an officer. Again, it felt more like a science museum exhibit, but it was great for any trekkie. Afterward, you could hang out in Ten Forward, drink some Romulan ale and chop it up with the Klingons wandering around. The highlight for me was being choked by a Klingon female. Then, of course, there was a neat gift shop with pretty good memorabilia.
Vegas felt a little emptier without any sort of Star Trek attraction there. So, here’s to sadness.
FYI: I hear there is a nice convention coming in August. Check it out if you get a chance.
Patrick Stewart Being a Total Mensch
See, this is why he’s my favorite captain:
And, shouts to Lemonsweetie for rocking an awesome Trill costume.